The Real House-students of Hogwarts S1E5

Episode 5: Tea and Tea Leaves

DEAN (V.O.): Previously, on the Real House-students of Hogwarts…

Blaise hands Keegan Thompson a ginger biscuit.

KEEGAN: I guess you’ve gotta figure out some way to contribute now you’re not doing BSU.

Cut to the entrance hall, where Lavender and Hermione are facing off.

LAVENDER: Merlin, Hermione you’re such a fraud.

HERMIONE angrily steps to Lavender: A fraud?? You’re the biggest fraud here, you and that bug-eyed Professor! Now get out!

Desiree jumps between the two of them. Parvati tries to pull Lavender back.

LAVENDER screaming: I’m not the one lying! You’re so fake! That’s why no one likes you, not even Ron!

Hermione whips out her wand, and Dean jumps in to grab her wand arm. Desiree pushes her back more forcefully as Parvati pulls Lavender back. Lavender and Hermione are screaming at each other, words unintelligible.

*Upbeat/vaguely wizarding music plays*

BLAISE ZABINI: I may be a Slytherin, but I am not a snake.

DEAN THOMAS: I’m a team player, but I’m always ahead of the pack.

DESIREE WARBECK: My cookies are always served with tea.

ALEX JOHNSON: I may be the youngest, but I can teach these old bats a thing or two.

HERMIONE GRANGER: Books and cleverness? There are more important things…like justice.

LAVENDER BROWN: You can’t predict the future, but I can.

Pan out to reveal all six wizards, each holding out their wand over the words THE REAL HOUSE-STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS.

A series of shots: the Quidditch Pitch, the entrance hall, the Astronomy Tower, and then: Professor Sinistra’s classroom where DEAN THOMAS and ALEX JOHNSON are sitting, desks pushed together. ALEX rummages through his bookbag, pulling out parchment and quills while DEAN leans back in his chair, tiredly rubbing his eyes.

DEAN yawns: Alright, are you ready to get started?

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: Every year, the school clubs are expected to host an event for the student body. It’s in the bylaws, so I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t make it on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, otherwise I wouldn’t have time and the BSU would probably be disbanded. He flashes a phony smile, his annoyance leaking through.

ALEX dipping his quill into his inkwell: Oh, I invited Blaise to join us by the way.

DEAN raising an eyebrow: Why?

ALEX shrugs: I thought it would help, you know, to ensure a smooth transition of power. He seemed to think it was a good idea.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: Look, Blaise made it clear he doesn’t want to be here. I see no need to ask for his help.

Back to the classroom, where BLAISE ZABINI enters, a customary scowl on his face. Dean sees him and mimics his expression, folding his arms.

ALEX: Hey Blaise!

DEAN: Where’s Des?

BLAISE: Oh, er, she said she was going to try to talk to Hermione and Lavender. I guess she wants to bring them together after the Knit-In.

FLASHBACK to the S.P.E.W. Knit-In.

HERMIONE GRANGER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

LAVENDER BROWN anger rising on her face: Excuse me??

CUT TO LAVENDER in the entrance hall: Merlin, Hermione you’re such a fraud.

HERMIONE angrily steps to Lavender: A fraud?? You’re the biggest fraud here, you and that bug-eyed Professor! Now get out!

LAVENDER screaming: I’m not the one lying! You’re so fake! That’s why no one likes you, not even Ron!

Hermione and Lavender scream at each other while Dean, DESIREE WARBECK, and PARVATI PATIL (Friend of Lavender) hold them back.

The camera cuts to the students in the Great Hall, faces ranging from embarrassment to curiosity.

BACK TO PRESENT, in Professor Sinistra’s classroom.

ALEX: Well that’s good.

DEAN nods: Yeah, that was a right mess.

BLAISE: I don’t know why Des is getting involved honestly.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: Of course Blaise doesn’t know. It’s like he likes for everyone to be uncomfortable.

ALEX: I don’t know. If she can get Hermione and Lavender on the same page, that’s good for the long run, isn’t it?

DEAN: Yeah, they shouldn’t be fighting over something so stupid with everything that’s going on.

BLAISE: But that’s just it, it’s so stupid. Who cares about house-elves or Divination really?

DEAN rolls his eyes.

ALEX CONFESSIONAL: It’s a good thing he’s not the one trying to keep the peace then.

Back to DEAN: Anyway, let’s talk about this event.

BLAISE peeking at one of Alex’s scrolls, riddled with his handwriting: What’s the event?

DEAN side-eyes Blaise: I don’t know, this is the first we’re talking about it.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: Burying his face in his hands. I can’t believe Blaise stuck me with this mess.

ALEX reading from his scroll: Okay what about a game night?

BLAISE frowns: No.

ALEX moving on to the next thing on his list: A midnight party?

DEAN: I don’t know…anyone could do that. It should be something unique to the BSU.

BLAISE: Yeah, it should definitely be specific to us. 

ALEX scans the parchment, then perks up: I know! How about a Tutor-a-thon. You know, to help folks with end of term exams. We could do a raffle and—


Blaise: Absolutely not.

ALEX CONFESSIONAL: He looks annoyed. I just don’t think I’m being heard, you know? They all think I’m just some kid.

ALEX: Okay, then what about a gala?

BLAISE is already shaking his head.

DEAN: Wait…that could work.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: It’s the perfect way to celebrate ourselves out loud. Some folks could benefit from that. 

ALEX grins: Really?

DEAN: Yeah, let’s do it.

They put their heads together to begin plotting out some of the details of the event. Alex seems pleased about finally being heard.

The scene changes. First we see a ground shot of the changing Hogwarts staircases, the Forbidden Forest, and then: a Hogwarts courtyard, empty but for DESIREE WARBECK. She sits on a bench, eating a chocolate frog, patiently waiting.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: Okay, so we all know the Knit-In was a mess.

FLASHBACK to Hermione and Lavender screaming unintelligibly at each other while Dean, Desiree, and Parvati hold them back from each other.

BACK TO DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: Lavender and Hermione aren’t just active members of the BSU, they’re roommates. I’m in Hufflepuff, so I don’t have to deal with what I’m sure is an awfully tense dormitory, but that’s also why I’m taking it upon myself to see if there’s some way for them to come together, take accountability, and move on.

HERMIONE GRANGER enters the courtyard right on time.

DESIREE stands up: Hey, Hermione!


HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: Her arms are folded. I don’t even have a problem with Lavender, so I’m all for clearing the air and moving past all this unpleasantry. 

DESIREE: Thanks for coming! Lavender should be here any minute.

HERMIONE: Great. How are you doing?

DESIREE: I’m good! Thanks again for letting me bake for your event, I had fun.

HERMIONE: It seemed like Blaise did as well. I didn’t expect him to show up at all.

DESIREE rolls her eyes: Yeah, well, it’s not like he had anything else to do.

HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: Honestly, Desiree is the best thing that’s ever happened to Blaise. 

DESIREE: We made a good amount of Galleons for S.P.E.W. though. What are you going to do with the money?

HERMIONE: Oh, well, I’ve got to take inventory of everything first, and figure out a budget. I’d love to maybe use it to fund more yarn to make clothes, and maybe set up a salary fund for the elves.

DESIREE with a fake smile on her face: Great.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: Look, I’m happy for Hermione and her misguided plans, but I didn’t choose to spend my Sunday afternoon sitting in the chilly air talking about elf hats. She looks at her watch. Where in the world is Lavender?

Cut back to the courtyard, where LAVENDER BROWN is now entering 45 minutes late.

LAVENDER waves: Hey Desiree!

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: Really girl? I’m trying to do this for you.

LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: I don’t really know what Desiree wants me to talk to Hermione for. We all know the girl is a snake in lion’s clothing. As Professor Moody said: constant vigilance!

DESIREE: Okay, you two. Thanks so much for coming. I really wanted to get you both together so that we could get everything out in the open, talk about your issues, and heal from it. 

Lavender crosses her arms, Hermione is nodding emphatically.

DESIREE: Lavender, I’d like you to go first.

LAVENDER sighs: Alright then. Hermione, I was really hurt because I was so excited to contribute to your event only to get there and be humiliated. I don’t understand why you didn’t just tell me you didn’t want my help—

HERMIONE interrupting: I apologized for that already.

LAVENDER: You did not apologize.

FLASHBACK to HERMIONE: Oh no, I’m sorry Lavender, but we don’t have any space!


HERMIONE: I did, and you still ruined my event. If anything, you should be the one apologizing.

LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: Oh please, that event was ruined before I even got there.

LAVENDER looks up at the sky, then back to Hermione: Well, I’m sorry if you felt that way.

DESIREE: That’s…not really a good apology Lav. It’s not about if she felt that way, it’s about what you did.

LAVENDER: Are you serious Des? You’re really taking her side?

DESIREE crosses her arms: I’m not on any side.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: In my opinion, both are at fault for what happened. Both of them need to take ownership of the situation so we can move forward.

HERMIONE: You didn’t even confirm with me beforehand to see if I needed your help. I know you’ve never run an event before, but there are a lot of moving pieces—

LAVENDER: We literally sat down to discuss the event together!

FLASHBACK to three weeks ago. Hermione and Lavender sit together in the Gryffindor common room.

LAVENDER excitedly: So I was thinking tea leaves would be a good idea, but then Parvati mentioned palm readings too, and some people might want their star charts done.


HERMIONE: But I never confirmed.

LAVENDER standing: You’re full of dragon dung, Granger.

DESIREE stands, holding her hands up: Whoa, ladies calm down.

HERMIONE: You’re the one who’s full of it, Brown. All that gushing about how you can see the future, and you can’t even tell when you’re not wanted. She throws up her hands. I can’t do this.

Lavender looks furious, but before she can say anything else, Hermione turns and storms off, leaving the courtyard. Desiree looks stunned.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: Well that was…a disaster.

ALEX (V.O.): Next time on the season finale of the Real House-students of Hogwarts.

The camera pans out around the Great Hall, filled with students for the Hogwarts BSU Gala.

BLAISE CONFESSIONAL: Sure, I feel a little left out.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: She shrugs. I mean…that’s what happens.

By the doors of the Great Hall, DEAN THOMAS and ALEX JOHNSON are checking items off of their list.

ALEX CONFESSIONAL: The gala is open to all students of Hogwarts, but the proceeds are going to a fund to support the Black students.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: I’m just relieved we were able to pull this all together.

Cut to the entrance to the Great Hall where LAVENDER BROWN has arrived with RON WEASLEY (Date of Lavender). The camera pans to Hermione, who looks shocked and furious.

LAVENDER smiling, with arms wide for a hug: Hi Hermione!

HERMIONE, arms crossed as she shies away from Lavender: Hi.

LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: So rude and so nasty.