The Real House-students of Hogwarts S1E4

Episode 4: Words and Wands 

BLAISE (V.O.): Previously, on the Real House-students of Hogwarts…

Dean hangs the banner for Hermione’s event, which reads: THE SOCIETY FOR THE PROMOTION OF ELFISH WELFARE PRESENTS: THE FIRST ANNUAL HOGWARTS KNIT-IN. Desiree and Blaise enter the Great Hall with Desiree’s bakes. 

BLAISE CONFESSIONAL: Des needed help. I wouldn’t be here otherwise.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: He’s just trying to get back on my good side.

Lavender and Parvati arrive with Lavender’s Divination set up. 

LAVENDER: Hey Hermione! Where should Parv and I set up?

HERMIONE: Oh no, I’m sorry Lavender, but we don’t have any space!

The camera pans around the Great Hall, where there is plenty of space.

LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: Oh no this witch didn’t.

BACK TO LAVENDER who pushes past Hermione: This is ridiculous.

HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: Who does this at another person’s event?

HERMIONE grabs the crystal ball and pushes it back into Lavender’s hands: I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

LAVENDER looks at Hermione, anger rising on her face: Excuse me??

The camera goes to Desiree and Blaise, who are watching with their mouths open.

The scene picks up right where it left off. HERMIONE GRANGER and LAVENDER BROWN are facing off.

LAVENDER looks angrily at Hermione: Excuse me??

Pan around the room: DEAN THOMAS watches from the banner, grimacing. ALEX JOHNSON takes notes. HARRY POTTER and DOBBY (Friends of Hermione) watch warily. PARVATI PATIL (Friend of Lavender) watches from behind Lavender, arms crossed.

HERMIONE: You’re disrupting my event and I’d like for you to leave.

LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: No one cares about your raggedy event, Hermione!

DESIREE WARBECK grimaces from her booth. She turns to BLAISE ZABINI.

DESIREE: I’m going to try to calm them down.

She hurries over to the girls.

DESIREE: Come on, Lavender, let’s get some air.

LAVENDER stubbornly: There’s plenty of air in here.

Desiree cuts her eyes at Parvati, who sighs and nods.

PARVATI grabs Lavender’s arm: Come on, Lav.

The three girls back away from Hermione, Desiree and Parvati pulling Lavender to the entrance hall.

HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: I can’t believe Lavender would be so hostile. I’ve never known her to be quite so aggressive, but I guess people always show their true colors eventually.

Hermione takes a breath and fixes a smile on her face as she turns to the people in the Great Hall. Other than her helpers and Dobby, only three others have shown up.

HERMIONE: Okay, everyone! So sorry about that, but we can finally start now! Feel free to pick out your yarn, I’m afraid there isn’t any green but I’m sure your pieces will be just as appreciated by the elves anyway.

The camera pans to Blaise, who purses his lips.

BLAISE CONFESSIONAL: You already know what I think about all this, so I’m just going to keep my mouth shut and sell Des’s tarts.

Cut to the entrance hall, where Desiree is trying to talk Lavender down.

LAVENDER: I didn’t have to come! You think I don’t have better things to do on a Friday night? 

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: I don’t know that there’s much for me to say. We all know Hermione was being messy.

BACK TO LAVENDER: I don’t even know why I offered to help her. Next time I’ll be more conscious of who I give charity to.

PARVATI nodding emphatically: That’s what I was telling you yesterday.

DESIREE: Yes, it’s all a mess. But let’s bring it down, okay?

PARVATI: You’re not defending her, are you?

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: Why is Parvati even here again?

BACK TO DESIREE slightly annoyed: No, I’m just saying let’s not act out in the middle of the entrance hall.

Cut back to the Great Hall. Hermione is hurrying around, trying to show people the knitting guides on the tables and helping with technique. Dean stands with Harry awkwardly in a corner, both looking like they’re trying to stay out of Hermione’s way.

Blaise is busy selling Desiree’s bakes; more people are filtering into the Great Hall now, but the majority of them are buying Desiree’s bakes and leaving without a glance at the knitting tables. KEEGAN THOMPSON (BSU member, 5th year Gryffindor) is next in line, and steps forward. 

KEEGAN: What’s up man?

BLAISE looking uninterested in conversation: Not much, what do you want?

KEEGAN: Er, let me get one of the ginger biscuits.

Blaise goes to grab the biscuit for him, but after handing it to him, Keegan doesn’t move. His eyes flash.

KEEGAN: So this is what you’re doing now? 

BLAISE: What do you mean?

KEEGAN: I mean, I guess you’ve gotta figure out some way to contribute now you’re not doing BSU.

BLAISE rolls his eyes.


PRODUCER: What do you think about Keegan Thompson?

BLAISE CONFESSIONAL: he looks down at his watch before looking back off-camera at the producer. Who?

Back to Blaise and Keegan.

BLAISE: Is that all?

KEEGAN shrugs: I’ll be sure to thank Des for the bake.


PRODUCER: Keegan Thompson.

BLAISE CONFESSIONAL: What do I think of him? I don’t.

Across the Hall, Hermione notices that Lavender and Parvati are still in the entrance hall, just outside of the doors.

HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: I can’t just have people loitering outside, it blocks traffic.

Cameras pan around the entrance hall, which is empty except for Lavender, Parvati, and Desiree. Hermione heads over to them.

HERMIONE: What’s going on?

LAVENDER turns on Hermione: Why couldn’t you just tell me you didn’t want me to do the event?

HERMIONE looking annoyed: I already told you, there were a lot of moving pieces and I dropped the ball.

Cameras cut to Desiree, who pauses, looking at Hermione with a frown.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: Oh, so we’re just lying now?

BACK TO DESIREE: Didn’t you tell me there was no way you were letting her “fake Divination” into your event?

LAVENDER turns back to Hermione, eyes wide: You said that??

HERMIONE indignantly: I didn’t say that!

Flashback to 1 week ago:

HERMIONE: I’m not letting that fraudulent magic anywhere near my event. People aren’t going to take me seriously if I allow such a shoddy display.

HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: Her arms are crossed. I never said the words “fake Divination.” Desiree should mind her pies and stay out of it.

Back to the entrance hall. Dean comes out cautiously from the Great Hall.

DEAN: Hey guys…we can sort of hear you in there.

LAVENDER not listening: Merlin, Hermione you’re such a fraud.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: He’s holding in a smile. I came out here to keep the peace but (he snorts) I’m not going to lie, this is funny.

HERMIONE angrily steps to Lavender: A fraud?? You’re the biggest fraud here, you and that bug-eyed Professor! Now get out!

Desiree jumps between the two as Lavender’s own fury builds. Parvati grabs Lavender’s hand, seeing that this is getting out of control, and tries to pull her back.

LAVENDER screaming: I’m not the one lying! You’re so fake! That’s why no one likes you, not even Ron!

Hermione whips out her wand, and Dean jumps in to grab her wand arm. Desiree pushes her back more forcefully as Parvati pulls Lavender back. Lavender and Hermione are screaming at each other, the words echoing off of the walls and high ceiling of the entrance hall and becoming unintelligible.

The camera cuts to the students in the Great Hall, faces ranging from embarrassment to curiosity.

ALEX CONFESSIONAL: Honestly, this is a mess.

Lavender finally leaves, and Hermione disentangles herself from Desiree and Dean, storming back into the Great Hall. She plops down into an empty seat next to a nervous NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM (Friend of Hermione), fuming.

Desiree huffs and goes back over to her booth.

BLAISE putting the money he’s just collected into a pouch: What was that about?

DESIREE: It was a disaster. Lavender was mad because she felt like Hermione could have just communicated with her that she didn’t want her here, and then Hermione straight up lied and said that wasn’t the case.

BLAISE confused: Wait she said she did want Lavender here?

DESIREE: She said she “forgot” to tell her she didn’t need her help. But she explicitly told me she didn’t want Lavender’s Divination.

Flashback (again) to 1 week ago:

HERMIONE: I’m not letting that fraudulent magic anywhere near my event.

BLAISE rolls his eyes: This is stupid. What does it matter if Lavender does her fake fortune-telling at Hermione’s useless event?

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: Desiree leans over, picking up a glass of pumpkin juice from the foot of her chair. Her eyes meet the camera as she takes a sip.

DESIREE smacks Blaise on the shoulder: Stop it.

BLAISE starts to smile: Ow! Am I lying?

DESIREE sighs: I just hate that they’re fighting over something so trivial with everything else that’s going on.

BLAISE eyebrows raised: Is that right?

DESIREE realizes what she’s said. She glares at him: Shut up.

BLAISE takes a step back, raising his hands in surrender though he can’t hold back his smile: Yes ma’am.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: She folds her arms, looking steely-eyed. No, I’m not letting him off the hook. Our situation is different.

The camera pans around the Great Hall, showing a few people leisurely knitting, two pretending to sword-fight with knitting needles, others stuffing their faces with pastries.

HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: Even though it started off rocky, I think the knit-in went well! S.P.E.W. can definitely build on this, and we’ll have freed the Hogwarts elves in no time!

HERMIONE (V.O.): Next time, on the Real House-students of Hogwarts

Alex and Dean sit at desks in Professor Sinistra’s classroom, preparing for a meeting.

ALEX: I invited Blaise to join us.

DEAN raising an eyebrow: Why?

ALEX CONFESSIONAL: I just don’t think I’m being heard, you know? They all think I’m just some kid.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: Burying his face in his hands. I can’t believe Blaise stuck me with this mess.

CUT TO Desiree in a Hogwarts courtyard with Hermione and Lavender.

DESIREE: Okay, you two. Thanks so much for coming. I really wanted to get the two of you together so that we could get everything out in the open, talk about your issues, and heal from it.

LAVENDER standing: You’re full of dragon dung, Granger.

HERMIONE: I can’t do this.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: Well…that was a disaster.