The Real House-students of Hogwarts S1E3

Episode 3: Drama in the Cards

LAVENDER (V.O.): Previously, on the Real House-students of Hogwarts…

BLAISE to DESIREE: I didn’t quit BSU entirely. I just…needed a break.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: I’ll say this about my relationship with Blaise: we’re just friends for a reason.

CUT TO BLAISE seeing a group of Slytherins approaching: I’ve gotta go. He leaves.

The camera cuts to Desiree, anger rising on her face.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: So he can’t be seen with us in the halls now?

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: Says to herself: Don’t blow up Des, just breathe through it. She takes a deep breath and then forces a smile at the camera.

CUT TO HERMIONE: I’m having a knit-in for S.P.E.W.

DESIREE: What about Lavender? She offered to help too, right?

HERMIONE: I’m not letting that fraudulent magic anywhere near my event.


*Upbeat/vaguely wizarding music plays*

BLAISE ZABINI: I may be a Slytherin, but I am not a snake.

DEAN THOMAS: I’m a team player, but I’m always ahead of the pack.

DESIREE WARBECK: My cookies are always served with tea.

ALEX JOHNSON: I may be the youngest, but I can teach these old bats a thing or two.

HERMIONE GRANGER: Books and cleverness? There are more important things…like justice.

LAVENDER BROWN: You can’t predict the future, but I can.

Pan out to reveal all six wizards, each holding out their wand over the words THE REAL HOUSE-STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS.

A series of shots: a Hogwarts courtyard, the Forbidden Forest, an aerial shot of Hogwarts.

HERMIONE (V.O.): No! The yarn goes over there, how many times do I have to say that?!

And then: the Great Hall. HERMIONE GRANGER is wrangling her helpers: ALEX JOHNSON, DEAN THOMAS, NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM (Friend of Hermione), and LUNA LOVEGOOD (Friend of Alex). Neville drops the yarn, jumping as Hermione shouts at him. Dean sighs and levitates the yarn, guiding it over to its proper position. Alex consults his clipboard, the feather of his quill tapping his nose.

ALEX: Hmm, we seem to be missing the green.

HERMIONE rushing over to him: What do you mean we don’t have green yarn?!

HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: She fidgets, smoothing out her robes, pushing her headband back. Her voice is sharp. I may sound harsh, but this is really important. Our goal is to knit fifty pieces of clothing tonight, which would free half of the Hogwarts kitchen staff. There’s a lot on the line here.

CUT TO DEAN who walks up to Hermione and Alex with a grin: Maybe some Gryffindor took it.

ALEX starts to smile but turns solemn as Hermione’s eyes cut at Dean.

HERMIONE walking away: I don’t have time for this.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: I don’t know why she’s so worked up. How many people are even coming to this?

Cut to DESIREE WARBECK and BLAISE ZABINI entering the Great Hall. Their wands are pointed at floating bins full of Desiree’s bakes. 

HERMIONE hurries over to them: Oh thank goodness.

BLAISE CONFESSIONAL: He looks annoyed, but shrugs. Des needed help. I wouldn’t be here otherwise.

DESIREE CONFESSIONAL: She rolls her eyes. He’s just trying to get back on my good side.

BACK TO HERMIONE ushering them to two tables covered in a black cloth over where the Hufflepuff table usually sits: Here, you can set up here. Thank you so much for helping.

DESIREE sets her bins down on the table and smiles: No worries.

Blaise sets down his bins. Alex appears, nose inches from his clipboard.

ALEX: Luna and Neville are off searching for the green yarn, but were wondering if you could just Transfigure one of the bundles we already have in the event that they can’t find it. Dean needs to know where to hang up the banner. And Dobby still hasn’t arrived.

HERMIONE looks stressed: We can’t Transfigure the yarn, it will fade over time and then what if it doesn’t match the rest of the clothing?

Blaise snorts, but Desiree reaches into one of her bins, pulling out two chocolate tarts.

DESIREE shoves the tarts at Hermione and Alex: Take a breath and eat these.

HERMIONE takes a bite: Thanks Des, these are really—Dobby!

Hermione rushes off to speak with DOBBY (House-elf, Friend of Hermione).

Cut to Dean, who is on the other side of the hall, trying to hang a banner that reads: THE SOCIETY FOR THE PROMOTION OF ELFISH WELFARE PRESENTS: THE FIRST ANNUAL HOGWARTS KNIT-IN.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: I’m just trying to stay out of Hermione’s way at this point.

Cut to Desiree, directing Blaise on where to put the platter of ginger biscuits.

DESIREE: Just there should be—oh bollocks.

The camera pans to what has caught Desiree’s attention: the entrance to the Great Hall, where LAVENDER BROWN and PARVATI PATIL (Friend of Lavender) are entering with tea cups, rolls of parchment, and a crystal ball.


ALEX CONFESSIONAL: He checks his clipboard, which he has brought to the confessional for some reason. I…don’t think Lavender is on the list.

DEAN CONFESSIONAL: He waves his wand. Accio Popcorn. A bag of popcorn soars to him from off-camera and he takes a handful before stuffing it into his mouth.

CUT TO HERMIONE who is speaking with Dobby and HARRY POTTER (Friend of Hermione). She grimaces before making her way over to Lavender and Parvati in the entrance to the Great Hall.

HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: with an innocent look on her face as she tries (poorly) to mask her shady behavior. I completely forgot to tell Lavender I didn’t need her!

CUT TO LAVENDER who is looking around at the set up.

LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: The event looks…nice. She purses her lips.

BACK TO LAVENDER: Hey Hermione! Where should Parv and I set up?

HERMIONE: Oh no, I’m sorry Lavender, but we don’t have any space! I meant to tell you before, but there’s been so much going on…

The camera pans around the Great Hall, where there is plenty of space and at least 4 empty tables. 

BACK TO LAVENDER who clearly sees this, but is trying to stay calm.

PARVATI catching a tone: I thought you wanted her help.

HERMIONE shakes her head: I just don’t think your…offer…was a good fit for the event.

LAVENDER CONFESSIONAL: Oh no this witch didn’t.

BACK TO LAVENDER who pushes past Hermione: This is ridiculous.

HERMIONE: Lavender!

But Lavender ignores her, placing her things on an empty table.

HERMIONE CONFESSIONAL: This is absolutely unacceptable. Who does this at another person’s event?

HERMIONE grabs the crystal ball and pushes it back into Lavender’s hands: I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

LAVENDER looks at Hermione, anger rising on her face: Excuse me??

The camera goes to Desiree and Blaise, who are watching with their mouths open. Dean watches from the banner, grimacing. Alex takes notes. Hermione and Lavender stare each other down angrily.


ALEX (V.O.): Next time, on the Real House-students of Hogwarts…

HERMIONE in the Great Hall: Okay, everyone! We can finally start now!

The camera pans around the Great Hall, showing a few people leisurely knitting, two pretending to sword-fight with knitting needles, others stuffing their faces with pastries.

LAVENDER in the entrance hall speaking with Desiree and Parvati: I don’t even know why I offered to help her. Next time I’ll be more conscious of who I give charity to.

Hermione whips out her wand, and Dean and Desiree jump forward to hold her back as Parvati pulls Lavender back. Lavender and Hermione are screaming at each other, their words unintelligible.

The camera cuts to the students in the Great Hall, faces ranging from embarrassed to curious.

ALEX CONFESSIONAL: Honestly, this is a mess.